As discussed in the last article, it is necessary to re-define voice as style.
This means focusing not only on what you say, but also on how you say it. Essentially, voice refers to your writing style, which can be developed by understanding strong writing moves, used in published writing and practicing/applying them to your own writing.
This article is part two of a series of articles focusing on voice and style. As a starting place, I have chosen to focus on clarity in order to build a foundation for the other writing moves we will discuss.
Put simply, clarity refers to the elimination of under-developed, unessential, unclear, or awkward areas in one’s writing.
What Does it Mean to Embrace Clarity?
Let’s relate clarity in writing to clarity in life. People (more often than not) in modern society are fascinated with the accumulation of wealth, as demonstrated by their possessions. I think this is a safe generalization to make. Recently, I went to a community garage sale in an affluent neighborhood and noticed the following items: plates, cups, books, clothes, a washer and dryer, garden tools, whole sets of furniture, lamps, games, videos… It’s not that the items were not useful, just that the family had replaced them with newer versions. When we vacation, we pick up souvenirs (that t-shirt from Cancun, a snow globe from the ski village) and on birthdays, holidays, and sometimes for no reason at all, we give gifts (artwork, candles, ties, books). Because of this, we feel the need to de-clutter our lives from time to time. This has fueled an “organization” movement, spawning reality television shows such as TLC’s “Clean Sweep” and magazines such as Real Simple that promise to make life “simpler every day.”
Clarity in writing is a “Clean Sweep” intervention for the chaos created by word clutter. Writers should keep their expression “Real Simple,” eliminating unnecessary and repetitious words, redundant ideas, and awkward phrasing. In this revision process, even those words or phrases that we are especially proud of may face elimination (a former English teacher called this “slaughtering your darlings”).
The first goal for revision should be clarity, re-envisioning the work, line by line, word by word, making sure that ideas are clear, well-supported, and simple. If this task is accomplished, you will have the foundation for the other writing moves we will discuss in this article series.
Notes from the Expert: Zinsser on Simplicity
William Zinsser, author of On Writing Well (considered by many to be the classic book on writing), states that simplicity is the key to good writing.
“Strip every sentence to its cleanest components. Every word that serves no function, every long word that could be a short word, every adverb that carries the same meaning that’s already in the verb, every passive construction that leaves the reader unsure of who is doing what –these are the thousand and one adulterants that weaken the strength of a sentence.”
He suggests that the writer embrace Thoreau’s advice to “simplify.” To do this, one must always ask himself “what am I trying to say here?”
“Thinking clearly is a conscious act…Writing is hard work. A clear sentence is no accident. Very few sentences come out right the first time, or even the third time. Remember this in moments of despair. If you find that writing is hard, it’s because it is hard.”
Notes from the Expert: Murray on Clarity
In chapter six of The Craft of Revision, Donald M. Murray suggests several ways that you can begin to make sure your writing is clear not only to you, but also to your readers.
1. Make sure your descriptions have a single, dominant meaning and follow a natural order
- Example of a single, dominant meaning: struggle and being out of place
I saw an angel today, weathered and wheelchair-bound, two stumpy legs sticking out like dead, gnarled tree trunks above a canyon, useless and conspicuous. I tried not to stare at the rounded protrusions, bumpy like a baby’s head and probably just as soft.
He came with a bang and a struggle. I heard him, first too loudly, halfway inside the glass door that wasn’t made for him. “It needs a handle,” he gasped breathlessly, with the gusty chortle of a seasoned smoker. His volume then increased, as if to say “I’m tough enough to handle this world, and I’m a fighter.”
- Examples of natural order: chronological, arguing weakest to strongest point
2. Make sure your meaning has a context
- Your reader is going to be asking the question “so what?” Giving information or a bit of a personal story is not enough; the reader will be looking for a way to understand its full meaning.
3. Write long and then short. Shorten for emphasis. It’s easier to take away from a draft than to add to it.
Revision Tip: Force yourself to read against your own familiarity
- Read your paper out loud, noting awkward spots and words that don’t belong.
- Read your paper backwards, sentence-by-sentence.
- Have someone else read your paper to you.
- Have text-to-speech software, have your computer read your paper to you.
A Practical “Clean Sweep” for Your Writing: Top 5 Word Eliminations for Clarity
1. Unnecessary Prepositions
- I’m appointing you to head up this committee.
- We face up to our problems.
- Concern has been expressed as to whether coffee stunts one’s growth.
- Where did he go to?
- Later on, we have a dance rehearsal.
- Cut it up.
2. Unnecessary Adjectives
- My personal pet peeve is body odor.
- He was in serious danger.
- I was irresistably drawn to the chocolate bar.
- That student needs individual attention.
- Many photographers claim that their work is particularly challenging, especially in low-light conditions.
3. Unnecessary Phrases
- She received a higher salary than was the case for her friend, Nancy.
- In the majority of instances, plagiarism results in a loss of credit.
- At the present time, all operators are busy. Please continue to hold.
- He made the team due to the fact that (because) he practiced.
- Not many of the children dislike Mary Poppins.
4. Unnecessary Words (Eliminate if they don’t add meaning to the whole sentence)
- Check out the OWL resource for the elimination of wordiness
5. General Words (Replace with concrete nouns and verbs)
- Thing, Anything, Nothing, Everything, Anybody
Everyday Examples of Unclear Writing:
Example #1: Starbucks Memo
**Please note that I do not believe this to be a valid memo from Starbucks chairman Howard Schultz, only an excellent example of unclear writing**
Before Revision:
- As you prepare for the FY 08 strategic planning process, I want to share some of my thoughts with you. Over the past ten years, in order to achieve the growth, development, and scale necessary to go from less than 1,000 stores to 13,000 stores and beyond, we have had to make a series of decisions that, in retrospect, have led to the watering down of the Starbucks experience, and, what some might call the commoditization of our brand.
After Revision:
- Over the past ten years, in order to achieve the growth necessary to go from less than 1,000 stores to 13,000 stores, we have made decisions that have led to the commoditization of our brand.
Before Revision:
- Many of these decisions were probably right at the time, and on their own merit would not have created the dilution of the experience; but in this case, the sum is much greater and, unfortunately, much more damaging than the individual pieces. For example, when we went to automatic espresso machines, we solved a major problem in terms of speed of service and efficiency. At the same time, we overlooked the fact that we would remove much of the romance and theatre that was in play with the use of the La Marzocca machines. This specific decision became even more damaging when the height of the machines, which are now in thousands of stores, blocked the visual sight line the customer previously had to watch the drink being made, and for the intimate experience with the barista. This, coupled with the need for fresh roasted coffee in every North America city and every international market, moved us toward the decision and the need for flavor locked packaging. Again, the right decision at the right time, and once again I believe we overlooked the cause and the affect of flavor lock in our stores. We achieved fresh roasted bagged coffee, but at what cost? The loss of aroma — perhaps the most powerful non-verbal signal we had in our stores; the loss of our people scooping fresh coffee from the bins and grinding it fresh in front of the customer, and once again stripping the store of tradition and our heritage?
After Revision:
- Many of these decisions, on their own merit would not have created the dilution of the experience; however, the sum of these decisions is much greater and more damaging. For example, when we went to automatic espresso machines, we improved speed of service and efficiency. At the same time, we removed much of the romance and theatre that came with use of the La Marzocca machines. Previously, the customer watched the drink being made, interacting with the barista. The height of the automatic espresso machines has blocked this view and eliminated interaction. Another example is as follows: The need for fresh-roasted coffee moved us to use flavor-locked packaging. We achieved fresh-roasted, bagged coffee, but lost the aroma, a powerful non-verbal. We lost the sight of employees grinding fresh coffee, once again stripping the store of tradition and heritage.
Example #2: Student Non-Fiction Writing
Before Revision:
- At nine o’clock we finally passed the dancing snowman again. Down the stairs, through the crowds and out the revolving doors. Michigan Avenue glowed incandescent in the white light along the notorious “magnificent mile.” Horse-drawn carriages clip-clopped down the street in a steady, predictable, even rhythm. My feet left fresh footprints left by my new furry boots in the newly fallen whiteness. I shivered through my down jacket even though it was a warm night for Chicago. Years of Chicago cold never accustomed me to wearing long underwear, and I refused to start the tradition now. The snowfall brought out new life in people. Or maybe Christmas joy finally descended upon the vast city. One woman danced down the street. Others stuck out pink tongues to catch snowflakes. I linked arms with the group and skipped up the sidewalk toward Navy Pier.
After Revision:
- It is dusk when we finally leave the mall. Michigan Avenue glows in soft light along the “magnificent mile.” Horses with fuzzy reindeer antlers pull carriages, feet clopping in steady rhythms. I leave fresh footprints in the newly-fallen whiteness, walking slowly like a child. The snowfall brings out new life in people, turning sour expressions upward. One woman dances a jig down the street while others stick out wet tongues to catch icy crystals.
Last Words:
